That sound a little extreme but here’s how it works; I have Pernicious Anemia which basically means my immune system attacks to enzymes which turn the vitamin B12 I have digested in to protein for my blood. Or at least that’s how I understand it. So to help with that I have injection of B12 every 2 months, traditionally most patients will have it every 3 but mine had to be increased.
It’s autoimmune, and as modern medicine stands cannot be cured.
On a good day I can feel like any other 18 year old, keeping up with college work, seeing friends staying up to the early hours. But this doesn’t last long and coming down from a high can be exhausting, suddenly every extra thing you had been doing catches up with your body and you ache all over. Some days especially when an injection is wearing out you will feel rubbish for no reason and your bed just feels like the best option, but there comes a point when you relies this isn’t going away and staying in bed won’t always an option. I hate letting down friends at short notice or cancelling plans, unfortunately sometimes I have to. About 6 weeks in your dying for your next injection, I have made jokes in the past like ‘whose up to raid a pharmacy, you can keep the drugs just give me the B12’. (NOT that I would ever actually do that)
I still can remember my first GP appointment, leaving totally scared apart they wanted to test my blood for Leukaemia and MS, but for the last 4-6 months everyone had just been putting it down to exam stress, I had just finished my GCSE but apparently this wasn’t going away. I remember my 6 loading injections (6 in the space of two weeks) clashing with the start of college, they made me so sick; I still get sick now after every injection. No one talks you through how to deal with, I wasn’t officially diagnosed, not even given a leaflet on possible side effects, or to say my symptoms were normal. My bones and joints and muscles were aching all the time to the point of pins and needles turning them numb. I was exhausted all the time, passing out occasionally at college, having days where I would barley eating because digestion was so painful, missing periods, and clumsy as anything. Soo clumsy there was a 10 month period where I fall down stairs 10 times, the last time ending me up in hospital and contributing to the increased injections.
This I can deal with and live with most of the time, what is really concerning is further medical problems you have an increased risk of:
(I think these are all right, but you never know when it comes off the internet)
- Further autoimmune conditions
- Heart problems
- Some forms of cancer
- Infertility
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Bipolar
- Schizophrenia
- And more
You can’t see what’s wrong with me. Yes sometimes my joints swell or it’s written on my face, yet the most noticeable thing is a growing collection of grey hairs (to reiterate I am 18). I’ll never forget going out for lunch with some friends for my birthday, we had been painting all morning and on leaving the restaurant a friend exclaimed; ‘Ella you have had paint in your hair this whole time’ but on closer inspection they looked mortified o relies it was just grey hair and was very apologetic, we still laugh now.
Yet I find it really hard to moan about what’s wrong with me, I hate showing the weakness, and there are so many more people dealing with much worse than this. I want to do everything, form travelling to helping out on youth camps, some people who know are terrified to give me reasonability, they don’t want to hurt me or where me out. I am really grateful for people who are looking out for me, but if you need my help ask, I promise I will tell you if I am not well enough to do it.
I hide this about me, not because I am ashamed or embarrassed but because I don’t like the limits it wants to put on my life. I haven’t always been sensible about it, but I am not going to let it stop me living life. Camping out to watch the stars and see the sunrise will always be worth the painkillers, caffeine and forced smiles.
EllaNora 