Well this seems a weird topic for someone who hasn’t written a blog post in over a year. And there are many reasons why. One I have been making more YouTube videos and spent more time and focusing on that. Two I started a new job. Three my mental health and negative experiences which have impacted it. But earlier this evening I read another blog post tonight which prompted me back to it.
Most people who know of me probably wouldn’t link me to someone who has suicidal thoughts.
Most people who know me probably have some understanding or knowledge of my mental health struggles.
Most people who take the time to know me and know me well would probably say I have had links or exposure to suicide/suicidal thoughts for about three years now.
But what I didn’t even know myself is that psychologists are dating back my suicidal thoughts to me being about 13 years old.
I didn’t believe this at first and fought them at every point and new diagnoses. This wasn’t crazy at high school, none of this started till my summer before college. But perhaps I should go back a bit; back to May this year. Before this I had had suicidal thoughts and urges. I had even in the few months before this bought had good people in my life confiscate pain killers and bleach; ended up in A&E. However in May it’s when it became obviously that something was really wrong. I had taken emergency leave after a bad Dr’s appointment. Was having more and more sever ‘episodes’ closer together. I isolated myself from most of those who had fought to help me on the orders of my illness.
And then I had three days of hell that went a little like this.
- A&E after work
- Drive
- Coffee
- More driving
- Sleep for 2 hours
- Pretend to my F&F it was all alright
- Work
- Walk up and down a main road
- Ended up outside a police station
- Police take me to A&E
- Wait 5 hours
- Discharged because they only saw my last night
- Went and bought clean clothes from Tesco
- Had coffee
- Slept for an hour in my car
- Went to work
- Went to a carpark
- Had a friend cool the police on me
- Got sectioned
- 136 suit
And well the rest just ended up being assessments and 2/3 weeks off work.
For a long time I thought it was just people that didn’t get it. No I wasn’t really happy to still be alive, at point’s maybe. But there was also many times when I regretted reaching out for help on that ledge. I regretted just not taking my chances then and there. But I also had times when I was desperate to be sectioned again; keeping my self and fighting impulses was just too hard! And I started self-harming again something I hadn’t done for nearly a year. Purely just to stop myself doing something more permanent. I had new diagnoses, told that this was pretty much bound to happen, that things went wrong when I started puberty. I didn’t want to believe them because I didn’t want to be there, what was wrong with me was unfixable whatever they said pretty much confirmed this I didn’t want to fight until I was 30 just for it to start to fade! I didn’t want to fight it for another 10+ years; I didn’t want to fight it for another day.
As time went on I talked more, I listened to professionals, I started to accept. This was an it! Not me! And although it is allowed to have a part of shaping me I am the only one in full control of this. I still have impulses and urges, I still have days were I want to give up. I still self-harm but now only in nightmares or flash backs. I still have days were I don’t want to leave my bed, but I make sure I leave the house every day. I still struggle to sleep and have pretty much all the symptoms I had back in May, and will continue to for a long time. I will learn to cope, I will carry on fighting, I want let this define me.
I am starting to rebuild my life. I went back to work. Relied more on God. I am going make to college in January. I am going to be a nurse.
I will struggle; but I will reach out for help.
And you can to.
EllaNora 